Preschool Depression: NYTimes Style

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29preschool-t.html?pagewanted=1&emc=eta1

   Old wine, new bottles. Kids have mental anguish. Child psychiatrists can help, with and without medication. It is important for parents and teachers to pay attention to the mental state of their children. If the article drives this point home, I am happy.

Staying Together For the Kids

    “We can’t break-up, it would ruin our kids’ lives,” Randolph and Judy tell me repeatedly. “What makes you say that?” I ask, feeling like I probably know the answer, but I am still curious as to what they will say. “A broken home is such a terrible thing,” Judy answers in a vague way. “And living with marital discord is not a terrible thing,” I respond, trying to be gentle, but realizing that this could sound sarcastic. So often I find myself wanting to expand thinking, knowing that stress narrows the mind. Children are hurt by the actions of their parents; that is a given. Most parents do not want to hurt their children. Finding the narrow path between protecting the children and living an authentic life is the challenge. The answers are not one-size fits all, nor are they necessarily clear from one moment to the next. However, the extreme situations open the discussion. There are situations where it is better for the children when the parents divorce. Domestic violence is the obvious example. Having said that, most of the time the issue is not the gross issue of physical violence, but the more subtle issues of self-esteem, both in the parents and the children. Children suffer when their parents suffer. Parents suffer when their children suffer. Selfish behavior causes suffering; so does martyrdom. Compromise is the challenge; compromise is the goal. How can parents find a way to live a life they enjoy, while at the same time protecting their children from unnecessary trauma and disappointment? These questions are tortuous; the process of sorting it out is troubling. Yet, without a deep thoughtful process, quick and shallow judgments flow rapidly. Words are important. Divorce is not always bad for kids. Kids lives are not necessarily “ruined”. Rather, there are times in life, like with this family now, where there are rough patches. These rough patches are opportunities for the family to re-examine their earlier assumption of family harmony. Randolph and Judy have hit a reflective time in their lives. My hope is that they stick with the reflection so that they can go ahead with a careful examination of the consequences, for themselves and for their children. The outcome is hard to say; the process is key.