Mark and Daniella, both in their fifties, have been married for thirty years; most of that time they have been on the edge of divorce. Both deny extramarital relationships. They have a daughter, with oppositional behavior, who has been challenging, but their marital issues preceded her birth. They have been in couples therapy with five different therapists over twenty years. Previous therapists have been helpful, but ultimately both felt that the relationship remained tortuous and destructive to their self-esteem. Neither party ever ventured out, yet each one said their lives were “miserable”. When I first starting seeing them, I thought that they were a “dynamite couple” in that only a drastic intervention could ever change their tightly wound interpersonal system.
I really like Daniella and Mark. I want to say that since hearing about their relationship makes them sound like miserable people. In fact, each one is highly successful in his/her career, and each one is a caring and generous person; just not to each other. Over the five years of our working together, the relationship has gotten substantially better in that there is less blame; there is less sadism. How did this happen? I held up a painful mirror to their behavior and they felt miserable about themselves. They each began to take back the projections of hurtful behaviors and they each began to see their own aggressive behaviors as coming from a sad and lonely place. Each one wanted to be loved; each one was afraid the other could not give that to them. Out of that fear came aggression and hostility. Neither one left the relationship because each one saw himself/herself as unloveable. At the same time, each one felt that if by small chance they could experience love, then their current partner would be the most likely person to love them. This dynamic created a strong bond of togetherness, while at the same time, created an interchange which was degrading and primitive.
Daniella and Mark now describe their relationship as “not as terrible”. I would say that each one is moving forward in seeing their own flaws and as such, they are becoming more tolerant of the other. Seeing their own flaws is painful, so neither one is in a joyful state, but when they see the flaw as internal, as opposed to external, then they can begin the work of healing themselves. Wounded souls can come together; particularly, when they can see their own wounds as clearly as they can see their spouse’s. Daniella and Mark were never at risk for divorce-just chronic unhappiness. At times, dynamite seemed like the only answer. Now, baby steps appears to be a better path.
Shirah Vollmer MD 
