Denial Through Fantasy

 

Lesli, fifty-two, believes that Alan, fifty-nine wants to marry her. Lesli and Alan are married to different people. Lesli and Alan work together, but not closely. They have never shared a meal and they do not know how many children the other has, or how many siblings, for that matter. Still, Lesli is convinced that Alan wants to leave his wife, which might include a family, for her. Lesli tells me this, with the certainty of measuring someone’s height. I question her confidence, not knowing what Alan is thinking, but knowing that Lesli is unhappy in her marriage, and hence this tale could be about a defense http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanisms that helps Lesli cope with her troubled relationship. As she wishes she were married to Alan, and not to her husband, Zeke, she self-soothes, but at the same time, she is not aware that Alan does not share her fantasy, leading to a collision course of expectations. My job is to help Lesli understand why this fantasy occurs to her, and to then explore the possible meanings behind it. The first step is to help Lesli entertain the notion that her certainty, could, in fact, be a wish, and in this wish is a window into her unconscious. The stronger Lesli holds on to her certainty, the more Lesli is thickening her access to her emotional interior. Examining her hold on to, what she believes is “truth,” is the beginning of our psychotherapeutic experience.

 

 

“Unbelievable”

Penelope, thirty-two, says “it is unbelievable how my boyfriend treats me It is so bad.” “You mean that you do not want to belive how Sam treats you?” I say, pointing out that her word “unbelievable” is really a shorthand way of saying that she was in denial about how he was treating her until now. “No, but I just can’t believe how mean he is to me. He insults my body. He tells me I am stupid. He puts me down constantly.” Penelope expands on her notion of “unbelievable”. “Is this new behavior?” I ask, knowing that we have talked about this many times before, but wanting to illustrate how hard it is for her to comprehend the kind of relationship she is in. “No, it is not new, but it just feels worse for some reason,” Penelope replies. “Maybe it feels worse because you are more honest with yourself about your dynamics with him.” I say, highlighting that what is new is her consciousness about the relationship. “Yea, but I really love Sam and I don’t want to break up with him,” Penelope says with a tone of fear. “It sounds like you are scared,” I say, pointing out the feeling in the room. “Yes, I am scared, but I also don’t like the way I am being treated. I know that I don’t get anywhere when I talk to him about it, so I am really stuck.” Penelope says, now with a tone of frustration. “Your frustration throws you back into denial, such that the next time Sam is mean to you, you will again be caught off-guard.” I say, helping her to see that the more she can stay conscious of her feelings, the more she will be able to deal with her painful interactions with Sam. “This is really hard,” Penelope says, understanding how our therapy is making her more in touch with her emotional interior. “Yep, it is a difficult journey,” I say, reminding her that this is a process which travels through many dark places, but hopefully ends up with internal peace.