Apology
Posted by Dr. Vollmer on July 1, 2010
Al’ s son Jay, twenty-seven, came over to help Al clean out the attic. Suddenly, Al started screaming at Jay. “You let me down so much,” Al says. Jay starts to cry. “I know. I am sorry. I just did not know how to tell you that mom had a boyfriend. I did not want to hurt you. ” “Yea,” Al says, “but you hurt me more by not telling me.” “I know” Jay says, “but I did not know what to do.” Al felt relieved. At last, he could understand the place that his wife put Jay in. Jay did not want to hurt Al. Jay was paralyzed. To break the news about his mom having a boyfriend seemed unbearable. At the same time, he knew that keeping a secret was going to hurt his dad very much. The pain of this indecision led to no action, which was an action of betrayal, and yet, Jay remained passive.
The key to this apology for Al was that Jay felt tormented. Al could see it on Jay’s face. The words “I am sorry” would not have meant much had Jay not also been tearful and look like he was in serious pain himself. Al and Jay could re-connect since they both were in agony over the split of their family. Suddenly, or so it felt to Al, they were on the same page. Al was no longer being excluded from his nuclear unit. Al turned from feeling like an island, to feeling like he was a part of the mainland.
Psychotherapy gave Al the courage to face Jay. For many months, Al was afraid that such a confrontation would lead to an even larger divide between them. Al was also concerned about appearing so vulnerable. Months of talking with his psychiatrist made him realize that he had nothing to lose. He was mad at Jay; for their relationship to mend, Jay had to know that. Otherwise, there would be deep resentment and bitterness. Jay seemed relieved, since he had trouble bringing up the issue of his mother’s affair. Jay loves his mom; he did not want to put her down.
Apologies are tough. For the apology to heal, the offender has to feel bad, but not so bad that he cannot face the error in his judgment. He must keep up a sense of himself as a flawed human being who deserves forgiveness. He cannot get defensive, or lose sight of the problem at hand. He must be able to imagine what it is like to be the hurt party, and as such, he must feel the other person’s pain. At the same time, he must have the presence of mind to try to help that pain get better, while owning his share of the responsibility. When all those elements are in place, the apology leads not just to a repaired connection, but to a deeper one. A happy ending, indeed.
Shirah Vollmer MD 
Suzi said
I don’t understand. I would give an apology to another person/people, if I can see that something I’ve done (in one way or another) has made them feel bad or sad about themselves. I would also, however, apologize for anything that may have happened to them whether I had anything to do with it or not. Example… a tree branch falls on my friend’s car… I would say something like… “I’m so sorry that happened to you”… does that make sense? I am also sorry that Al went through the divorce thing and the ‘stuff’ with his kids – and I, along with other readers, don’t even know who, what, where… anything about Al.
I also have difficulty with the ‘forgive’ thing too. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why there has to be an apology for a gesture of forgiveness to take place. These seem like ‘social construct’ stuff and idealistic… like politics. It’s made up… not an actual thing. A tree is an actual thing, whereas, politics is a made up thing. All these social graces are made up things. Furthermore… after the apology and forgiveness thing… Al is still angry. He still has to deal with the anger; this is baffling to me.
The illusion of one person being more powerful than another is a really big and difficult (social construct again!!) hill that we for some reason feel the need to climb. It wasn’t because Jay loved his mum that caused him to keep quiet… Jay was afraid of what would happen to him when his dad became angry at him after hearing the news of his mum’s boyfriend and also (oh! poor Jay!) the anger and rejection he would face from his mother had he gone to his dad with the information. I’m sure Jay loves his mum and dad but that wasn’t what kept him quiet… it was their terrible power over him that caused him to freeze in fear. What kind of ‘love’ would put another person in that kind of position? That’s not love at all really… is it.
Humans! Our greatest strengths are our most cruel weaknesses. We tend to have big and lovely ideals that help keep us (socially) in line but they are the most cruel, harmful things to the many that are ruled by “the interpretation” of them.
Shriah, it’s all so sad!
Dr. Vollmer said
Hi Suzi,
I actually don’t think it is so sad. Jay betrayed his dad by holding his mom’s secret. Jay could have told his mother that either she tells him or he tells him, but “dad has got to know.” The fact that Jay, or his siblings did not do this caused Al tremendous pain, layered over the pain of losing his marriage. Jay’s ability to take a step back and see the pain he caused Al, while still seeing that he was trying to protect his mother, enabled Jay to show his sadness in how he hurt Al. This expression of Jay’s sadness brought Jay and Al closer together. If Jay turned cold to the subject when Al brought it up, the rift in their relationship would have widened. The emotional Jay allowed for not just a repair, but a deepening of this father/son relationship.
I agree that our greatest strengths are also cruel weaknesses.
An apology is not necessary for forgiveness, but it certainly helps-especially a heartfelt one.
The word sorry does not always reflect an apology. As you said, it is used to express empathy and concern. In Jay’s case however, it was used to express understanding and regret. The tone is the key here. When you say you are sorry about a branch, you have one tone, but if you were saying sorry that you hurt someone’s feelings, that would be a different tone. Thanks, as always, for your comments.
Suzi said
Shirah, as always, you’re welcome,
“Jay could have told his mother that either she tells him or he tells him, but “dad has got to know.””
I don’t believe things are that simple and apparently none of the characters in this story think it’s that simple either. The apology and the offer of forgiveness are still beyond my understanding but I’m sure it will all work out.
Thanks and cheers for your weekend – its Friday afternoon here… Yay!
Dr. Vollmer said
Hi Suzi,
For the end of the weekend (which by the way here it is three days because of 4th of July), when perhaps you get back to your computer, I want to make the point that Al, in all his pain and misery began to wonder if his children cared how he felt. Jay’s apology reassured him that their relationship was still very important to Jay. Hence the apology was critical for Al and for Jay. Without the apology Al would have been horribly suspicious of Jay. Your comments make me think about how I need to flesh this dynamic out some more, so again, I appreciate them.
Suzi said
Ohh – the relationship’s status. Is this what you mean?
Al wonders… “Do you actually care about me?” – that was what the angry statements were asking/seeking?
Jay says “sorry dad” which means… “I really do care about you dad”.
Is that what you mean?
I’m sorry Shriah… this is Al’s point of view only. It’s Al’s story. I keep forgetting that.
Dr. Vollmer said
Yep. Indeed it is a simple matter of reassuring Al. Jay did that in an effective way. As with so many things, it is simple, yet some folks in Jay’s position find it hard to do, leaving relationships very damaged.
Shelly said
I think it is unreasonable for Al to expect that Jay would betray his mother by telling him of her affair. Kids don’t like to take sides, they want to be loyal to both. By keeping silent, he was being loyal to his mother and also preventing Al’s pain. The important part was Jay thought he was protecting Al from pain. Jay could acknowledge Al’s pain, but simply explain that he didn’t want to hurt him further by telling Al of his wife’s betrayal.
Yes, forgiveness requires an acknowledgment that someone’s actions have caused pain. There is no forgiveness without an apology. For example, when someone very close to me hurt me to my very core, she said, “I feel badly.” I was very angry with her because the issue wasn’t about her feelings but about my pain. Without acknowlegement that she caused me deep hurt (and she still hasn’t), I will never forgive her.
Dr. Vollmer said
I think it is tricky. Certainly, young children are not able to navigate the loyalty they feel towards both their parents, but adult children, with hopefully, adult egos, should be able to confront people who are hurting people they love. This is a reasonable expectation on Al’s part, albeit given that Jay’s mother has told him to keep the secret, Jay’s situation is particularly challenging.
I agree with you. To maintain a relationship, the other person needs to understand how their behavior impacted you. This understanding leads to repair and deepening of the existing relationship. Without this understanding the relationship often becomes guarded and shallow.