Zachary, https://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/no-gravity-anxiety/ and https://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/prescription-drug-abuse/ says “I don’t like my mom; what is wrong with me?” I ask the obvious question, “what makes you think there is something wrong with you because you don’t like your mom?” “My friend was saying that families that don’t talk to each other are messed up, but then he remembered that I was not speaking to my mom and then he felt bad,” Zach says. “And so did you,” I quickly reply.
Zachary depended on his mom when he was growing up. He needed her for physical and emotional nurturing. His dad went to work every day and he got home late. He is the oldest, so he could not count on his siblings to help him mature. He grew up isolated from his extended family. Sadly, his mom suffered from severe anxiety and depression, with many periods in Zach’s childhood where she stayed in her room for hours on end, as Zach was playing at home after school. Zach took his mother’s withdrawal as an abandonment; as a child, Zach felt that he caused his mother to retreat. Despite these negative feelings, Zach moved forward in his life. Zach’s relationship with his mom changed. As Zach matured into adulthood, his mother would often yell at him for not paying enough attention to her. Zach went to college, found a career, married and moved to another city. According to Zach, his mom took all of these developmental steps to mean that Zach did not care about her any more. Zach eventually grew tired of feeling guilty that he was not attentive enough to his mom. In his thirties he decided that talking to his mother created so much stress for him that he could no longer have a conversation with her. His mother, according to Zach, does not understand why Zach does not talk to her. At the same time, she does not pursue a relationship with him.
When parents suffer, for whatever reason, children inevitably blame themselves. As the child grows into adulthood, this self-blame persists, despite the fact that the adult child can see the guilt as irrational. Zach understands that talking to his mother is harmful. Every conversation turns into a discussion about his mother is disappointed that Zach is not more involved in her life. Consequently, Zach decided to stop talking to his mom; the emotional cost of this decision is huge. Zach carries a tremendous amount of guilt and self-loathing when he thinks about his mom, but at the same time, he feels it is the right decision not to call her.
At forty-one, Zach needs to separate from his mom emotionally. He needs to see her as a human being who became a mother, which for Zach, meant that he experienced an empty and abandoned childhood. As Zach can distance himself from the emotional frailty of his mom, he can begin to see that her emotional fragility lead Zach to feel bad about himself. Later on, Zach’s mother demands for Zach’s attention continued to make Zach feel inadequate. A healthy emotional distance from his mom will let Zach free from his self-imposed sentence of guilt and self-loathing. https://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/self-loathing/. Zach’s freedom to say that he does not like his mom, is the first step for him to talk about how he feels his mom hurt him emotionally. Zach’s courage in his honesty is admirable. The work ahead of him demands more courage. Luckily, he has what it takes.
Shirah Vollmer MD 