Shirah Vollmer MD

The Musings of Dr. Vollmer

Archive for January 13th, 2012

The Sweet Relationship

Posted by Dr. Vollmer on January 13, 2012

Nile and Shoshi, are “doing better, ” as Shoshi reports to me. Shoshi reports “Nile asked me how he could handle himself better and I told him that he jumped to the wrong assumption about my behavior about getting the frequent flier miles. I suggested to him that he should have asked me about why I got miles for one child and myself, but not for him. If he had asked me, and not assumed that he was not important, we could have worked it out. I think that our work together in here has helped me see that people come to conclusions based on their underlying opinion of themselves, and then they look to their environment to prove their point. Thinking of things that way, I could see why Nile got mad at me and I could explain to him how he could have done things differently.” Shoshi tells me with gratitude for how our relationship has helped her marriage. “What did Nile say?” I asked, with curiosity about his defensiveness. “He said that he wished he could have thought to ask me about it. I thought it was so sweet the way he could see that he jumped to conclusions, rather than getting more information about the situation. That really touched me. ” Shoshi tells me in a way in which so contrasts with her anger and disappointment from the day before. “It sounds like you are saying that this therapy experience has opened your eyes to how self-esteem impacts relationship by interfering with open communication. Nile’s self-esteem obstructed his inquisitiveness. You were able to point that out to him and he was able to hear that. That is a very nice example how psychotherapy with you, actually helps Nile as well, and thereby helps your marriage.” I say, risking sounding too self-serving and egotistical. “That’s right,” Shoshi says, affirming our currently positive relationship.  “I know you and I have been through hard times, but today we get to appreciate our work together.” I say, highlighting the ups and downs of all relationships, including, and maybe, especially, ours. “The positive turn in your relationship with Nile has shed positive lights in our direction, and my guess is that the reverser happens as well.” I say, illustrating the bidirectional nature of how positive relationships beget other positive relationships and vice versa. “Yep, it is a good day, all around,” Shoshi says as she leaves my office, with elevated spirits and a palpable joy for life.

Posted in Psychotherapy, Relationships | 4 Comments »

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