Shirah Vollmer MD

The Musings of Dr. Vollmer

Archive for August 16th, 2011

Unloveable Loneliness Turns

Posted by Dr. Vollmer on August 16, 2011

Roger,, did break-up with his girlfriend, predictably, having recently found Roni, his new girlfriend. The security of his new love  helped him transition away from Charlotte. “I am so weak,” Roger reports. “I can’t seem to be without a woman in my life, otherwise I feel horrible.” “I remember when we worked together when you were a teenager and you only felt good when you were high.” I remind him, pointing out that throughout his adolescent and adult years, he has always relied on an external source for validation. In the past, illegal substances made a big impact on his self-esteem; they made him feel confident, a feeling he rarely experienced sober. Now, it seems that he has substituted female attention for drugs, such that without a romantic interest, Roger feels fragmented and anxious. “I guess I am moving in the right direction. It is better to rely on other people, rather than drugs to make me feel good,” he says with a combination of sarcasm and authenticity. Roger realizes that the defect is internal, and he needs to work on that, but he does not know how. “The more we can try to understand your insecurities, the more you can form relationships which are based on reciprocity and not neediness.” I say, telling him what he already knows, but feeling like some points need to be re-stated to focus the conversation. “I want to write,” Roger says, “that would help me understand myself better.” “Maybe you should start a blog,” I say, knowing that I do this blog, and knowing that his generation is a lot closer to this world than I am. “Yea, maybe I should. I think I need to put words to paper to illustrate my internal process better, although I say that, it is very hard for me to get started.” Thinking about my blog, I understand the problem with initiation, along with the fear of what might come out of one’s head. “I know what we are talking about is important, but I have to say I am happy now. I am excited to go see Roni.” Roger reports with great enthusiasm. “That’s great. I will look forward to hearing about your new relationship.” I respond, both with happiness for him, but also with a bit of wonder whether Charlotte will return.

Posted in Loneliness, Musings, Psychotherapy | 4 Comments »

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