‘I Don’t Mind it When My Dad Dates, but My Mom, Ooh Yick’

  Jared, fourteen, goes back and forth between his divorced parents every three or four days. He has done this since he was nine, after his parents were fighting loudly in front of him “day and night.” “The good news” he says, “is that now they are civil with one another.” “Do they have significant others in their lives?” I ask, wondering how that would be for him. “Well, my dad has dated three women for substantial periods of time and I am OK with that, but my mom, if she were ever to date, I could not handle it. I don’t mind it when my dad dates, but my mom, ooh yick.” “What do you think the difference is?” I ask, thinking about the oedipal situation where a boy’s love for his mom is intense and rivalrous. “I don’t know” Jared says, “all I know is how I feel.” I am thinking about how sweet Jared is that he can share his intense love for his mother with me. I am also aware how unconscious he is about his love for his mom in that he knows how he feels, but he cannot articulate that his love for his mom is qualitatively different than the love for his dad; it is a different relationship. I wonder if I should point that out, but as the time goes by, the subject changes to his social challenges at school. I am sure we will revisit this fascinating oedipal pull; it is so compelling.