I really appreciate your response. Theory of mind is not something I’ve read about, and I definitely would not know it was (and how it was) related to this (now I see why you were mentioning Asperger’s). I’m excited that I have a new topic to read about .

I will continue poking around your blog Psychiatry and psychotherapy are completely unrelated to my field of work, but very interesting (and I know almost nothing!)

The issue that I wanted Ned to illustrate is the issue of theory of mind. In order to connect with others, one must have a good idea about how the other person thinks and what is important to them. The better one has “theory of mind” the closer relationships he can form. As you suggest, Ned is looking to be closer to his wife, and so, in this fictional tale I wanted to illustrate that one of his stumbling blocks is his lack of attention to what his wife might be thinking or feeling in the moment. He can learn to pay more attention to this issue, but this is hard for him, whereas for others this is intuitive and does not need to be taught. I hope this answers your question. Welcome to my blog. Thank you for joining the discussion.

I understand that your role in this case is to help Ned be happier, but how do you decide that the problem is just Ned and not Ned’s wife as well? Or rather, how do you decide which behavior is “normal” and who needs to adjust? Or is it because he came to look for help and agreed with the perception that he is socially awkward?
If his wife is the only person he is having this issue with (and this is what I gather from the post), shouldn’t she work on adjusting her own attitudes and behaviors as well? It seems to me that asking about one’s seat or how they enjoyed the play is almost unnecessary formalism (especially in a close relationship in which one should be relaxed and allowed to fully express themselves).

Basically, from my naive perspective, asking one to change such behaviors (almost to fake caring), in order to be able to “relax into a comfortable relationship” sounds like a paradox. Is individuality perceived as something that we should fake, mold, and change in order to fit in and make others happy, or is there a point at which we should be allowed to ask others to accept us the way we are?