“I Want Someone In My Life I Can Call When I Go To Trader Joe’s”

Thais, http://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/i-should-have-had-a-manicure/ bemoans the fact that “no one cares about me.” I raise my hand in opposition. “Well, yea, but I mean, I want someone in my life I can call when I go to Trader Joe’s. I want someone to be in my orbit.” I paused to understand her loneliness. I began to see the need to chat about little things, like finding the frozen food or the irritating person ahead of her in line, and that without someone who cares about those things, life can feel so empty, so deserted. As another patient said to me, “no one really cares if I had trouble finding a parking space and that makes me sad.” The sweetness in wanting to exchange life’s little annoyances is so touching, and the lack of a village in which to do that, is so exquisitely painful. Sometimes I wonder if social media, the constant postings on Facebook or Twitter, serves this need-creates this village. Most people need to be heard, not just about the life-changing events of death, divorce or a new job, but more often, for the small, everyday experiences of living life. Thais did not say anything that I had not pondered before, but I was impressed that she was in touch with what was missing in her life. She understood where the hole is, and as such, she knows what she is looking for in a relationship. In the past, Thais would say she wanted “better friends,” but the vagueness of this comment did not articulate what exactly she felt was missing in her life. As she matures, she sees how relationships, both male and female, help her cope with life’s challenges. She no longer “needs friends” in order to be in the “right group,” as she had felt in the past. Now, she needs friends to share her experiences. This is a sea change, and yet subtle at the same time. It is a sea change because she is looking for more depth in relationships. It is subtle because she wants what we all want: she wants to be heard.