The Blues
Posted by Dr. Vollmer on February 11, 2011
Jesse http://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2011/02/06/jesse-and-claricethe-drama/ has the “blues,” as she calls it. She is thinking about her mother; her mother who passed away two years ago from pancreatic cancer. “I just can’t believe she is not here,” Jesse says with wonder and overwhelming sadness. “You really miss her,” I say, thinking that some deaths create a lot more sadness than others. “Yea, my dad passed away a year ago, but I hardly think of him. My mom I think about everyday. I just want to call her and tell her what I am up to.” Jesse says as she starts to cry. “No one understood me like my mom did. Sure, she was not perfect. She was really judgmental and intense, but she was a really good listener and I miss that,” Jesse says as she continues to cry. “I know that you and I have a relationship and I know you feel that I listen, but of course, it is not the same as the daily contact you had with your mom.” I say, reminding her that she does have other people in her life who can listen to her, but at the same time, I want to acknowledge that her mom’s passing has created a hole in her psyche. “Missing is a really hard feeling, because you feel so helpless and because even though other people might try to be there for you, no one can replace your mom.” I say, reminding her that I can see why she is so sad and how I understand that; maybe I can help a bit, but the hole is still there and I appreciate that too. “Maybe sharing the feeling of missing can help” I say to Jesse, trying to connect with her even though her sadness is pulling her inwards. ”I don’t know,” she says, “I just want this feeling to go away.” “Yea, me too,” I say, both because I feel that way and because I want to offer, what seems to me, to be a needed echo.
Shelly said
How can you help Jesse overcome her feeling of missing her mom? Sure she can express those feelings to you, but it won’t help her miss her mom less. Was it interesting to you that Jesse’s father also had passed away but that seemed to affect her less than her mother’s death? At least if her father still was alive, she could express her feelings to her dad–he would have at least shared her loss because it would have been his loss as well.
Shirah said
Well, of course that is a complicated question. The simplified answer is that deep loss, at least sometimes, creates a need for a deeper connection with those who are remaining, whether they knew the deceased or not. Jesse’s connection with me helps her understand that grieving is helped by reaching out to others, which often affirms life and thereby helps the mourning process. That is the reason, I believe, that in many cultures, there are ceremonies and rituals around death which involve bringing the community together. Jesse’s dad may not have helped Jesse grieve her mom, since a common relative does not mean a shared emotional experience. Thanks, as always, for your incisive questions.