Loving Your Abuser
Posted by Dr. Vollmer on July 28, 2010
Joshua, sixty-seven, http://shirahvollmermd.wordpress.com/2010/07/08/the-oncoming-train/, never married, loves his brother Jeremy has been abusive to him his entire life; most recently Jeremy is trying to steal money from him. Theresa, age fifty-one, never married, says that she feels closest to her mother, even though her mother both verbally and sexually abused her. Anxious attachment is the phrase that comes to mind. The connection creates dependency, yet at the same time, it produces overwhelming anxiety since the criticism from the one who used to be a caretaker persists. The anxious dependency makes it hard to form other attachments since there is a feeling that other relationships would threaten this abusive relationship. Since the threat of losing this abusive relationship is frightening, even though both Joshua and Theresa are adults, both Joshua and Theresa cannot form intimate adult relationships. The tragedy is palpable. The intervention would be painful. Neither Joshua or Theresa are interested in letting go of their abuser. Therein lies the sorrow.
Shelly said
What is the dependency about? A small child is obviously dependent on a mother, but why would a brother be dependent on a brother? Is this also known as the Stockhold Syndrome?
Dr. Vollmer said
It is a psychological dependency; meaning that Joshua and Theresa feel that without their abuser in their life, then they will have overwhelming loneliness. With the abuser in their life, they are surrounded by negativity and self-doubt. This is their dilemma.
The Stockholm Syndrome is when the hostages loved their guards. You are right to relate the two, because it is an example of how to the outside one would think that the victims would be angry, but in fact, the guard-prisoner relationship developed a sense of intimacy such that the prisoners defended the guards.
aj said
I’m an anxiously attached type, but not to any abusive people. Is this always linked to an abusive relationship? I do have childhood abuse issues, so perhaps I just answered my own question. Thanks for all of your thoughtful posts!
Dr. Vollmer said
Hi AJ,
Your welcome. No, anxious attachments do not necessarily come with abuse, but the nature of the attachment may create life-long anxiety issues. When it is associated with abuse, then the anxiety issues tend to run deeper.
Suzi said
Do both Joshua and Theresa know about all this stuff? Do people know about this when they’re in it?